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But the drumbeats fade… Backtrack (Part 3)

October 16, 2011

Finally, the last installment to my short story Backtrack. Enjoy! 🙂


“Sana nagtanong ka lang kung ‘di mo lang alam.  Sana’y nagtanong ka lang kung ‘di mo lang alam… ako’y iyong nasaktan.”

“Pull yourself together Vee! You’ll be late for class!” Trix yelled yanking me out of bed.

“It’s over Trix.  They’re together now.” I mumbled into my pillow.

“So what if they’re together.  I thought you were over Anton! It’s been a term already.”

“I lied Trix…” I said breaking into tears.

Trix stopped tugging on my pajamas and sat right next to me.

With a shakey and croaky voice I admitted to my faults. “I lied Trix… I can’t get over knowing he’s happy without me. I thought that when I called it quits it wouldn’t be so difficult to deal with it.  But now I’m the one who’s unhappy… When I said I didn’t feel that he really loved me, I only wanted us to be like how we were back in high school… I never meant for him to go away… But he’s gone Trix.  It’s really over.”

It was too late when I realized that I was the one who couldn’t move on.  To think I was the one who ended it.  It was pathetic.

“Hindi mo lang alam na kay tagal na panahon, ako’y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sayo. Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya.  ‘Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta. Kung ako’y nagkasala patawad na sana… Ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal.”

I wanted him back.  I wanted to take back the foolish things I had said.  I kept playing it in my head.  The night I decided to let go of what we shared… Couldn’t really say we were a couple because we weren’t officially together… but we were suppose to be getting there.  We were just waiting for the right time… Guess time wasn’t really on our side.  I wish I had let go of my pride earlier.  Maybe a few days … weeks… or months earlier would’ve made much difference… Who knows, we might be together still.

I dunked my head into my books and decided to focus on more important things other than my wretched love life.

Days went by… I found new friends, met new guys, but the happiness I felt just couldn’t compare to how I felt when I was still with that goody-two-shoes son-of-a-gun.  My friends said that what I felt was normal; that I’m just going through the stages of grief and denial.  That soon I’ll be able to accept what had happened and eventually forgive myself.

“Bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan.  Baka sakali lang naman maisip mo naman.  Ako’y nandito lang hindi mo lang alam.  Matalino ka naman.”

It was during Calculus class, senior year in high school. I had almost flunked another quiz but was luckily saved by a +2 that I had earned from an activity prior.  I noticed Anton was not his usual happy self and thought that he was mad at me.  So I sent a note his way… and it comes back to me.  Written on a folded piece of ¼ pad paper, black ink, in two types of penmanship…

It was the only thing I still held on to. But I know that I will eventually have to say goodbye… soon enough…

“Kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo. Sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko? Sana hindi ka na lang pala aking nakilala.  Kung alam ko lang ako’y iyong masaktan ng ganito.”

Anton never missed my gigs… He was my #1 fan.  I’d search for his face amongst the crowd and he’d smile his dorky smile to make sure I’d find him.  But now, I sing with my eyes closed, unable to look at him while doing a rendition of one of my best songs… his favorite song…

“Sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam.”

I told myself I’d be ok.  After two terms I said I’d be ready, but tonight I realize that my heart had never stopped singing this song… and as I continue to sing these lyrics, I pray that he hears me through it…

“’Di mo lang alam ako’y iyong nasaktan.”

But the drumbeats fade and the song ends. And the applause drowns out the whispers of my heart.


Backtrack (Part 1)

Backtrack (Part 2)

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